MAY 4, 2018 TWO years ONE month + NINETEEN weeks

 

It was about no longer being the kind of person who takes what she can get, and  finally becoming the kind of person who creates exactly what she wants.

-Jen Sincero

 

When I wrote the below goals in my pen and paper journal a little over a year ago, I created a direction to drive my determination and follow through with a visual plan to write this book:

February 2, 2017

post to blog every two weeks

40 posts total

roughly 1,500 words each 

100 minimun pages total of book

submit queries by april 2018

I am excited. I’m excited to do this–to achieve it. Because I’m going to do it. For myself, Mom, our family, my boys. And if it doesn’t happen, it’s because my doubts were greater than my belief. 

I’m proud to tell you that I did each of those bullet points, even the last one: I’ve been submitting queries (just a few) since January, and even heard back from one agent. Even though it was a kind decline, I got an agent (in London, no less!) to read my “application,” which in the literary world, is a small accomplishment.

But during my silent months of March and April, of which have now created a gap in our conversations, I wrote to you several times and just felt flat, like there was nothing flowing through me, and nothing of importance to tell you. So I’d occasionally accept the idea of stopping this project. I was even beginning to feel content with that decision.

Usually an entry just spits out through the keyboard in one sitting. And then I’ll re-read and edit and proof over and over, until I feel it’s worthy of people like Jessie or Mrs. Treml or Grandma or friends on Facebook, to read and possibly learn something from.

I don’t know if I can blame this productivity drop on pregnancy quite exactly, but I can say that these past months have proven more difficult than while pregnant with Everett. I’m fine physically, and with the beginning spouts of morning sickness having surpassed (like nausea, wanting to vomit when I saw green vegetables, craving frozen pizza for breakfast), I thought I’d be back into feeling all vibrant without my monthly cycles. Because that’s at least how it worked with Everett.

At my first prenatal appointment with the Midwives, they asked the routine question of how I’d been feeling. And I couldn’t fake my response. I said, “Fine!” in that stupid, too high-pitched tone, knowing the expression on my face was probably silently pleading, help me. 

I explained how I infamously have trouble before my menstrual cycle, and the midwife named Kara looked right at me and sweetly said, “Since pregnancy is basically like one big luteal phase, how do you do while pregnant?” And I thought, damn that luteal phase! Always getting me.

She suggested I see their on-site therapist when I come in every 4-6 weeks for the routine appointments, and I agreed, figuring it can’t hurt, and that it’s probably a good idea to stay on top of the whole depression question that’s been dangling in my mind.

A few weeks later, I was in the therapist’s office, listening to her talk with one ear and one eye, while watching Everett with the other observing set. He was touching everything from her coffee mug, yoga blocks and business cards, all while eating a messy peanut butter and jelly, intermittendly watching his favorite show “Tumble Leaf” on my iPhone.

Yes, I resorted to the effective method I used to scoff at: “screen time.” I realize that’s a term that wasn’t around when you were, but there are now portable digital devices that play unlimited content absolutely anywhere, including cartoons in a doctor’s office.

And while I instantly knew this therapist wasn’t “the one” for me, I didn’t want to miss the opportunity for some kind of help. So I later made the decision to call my previous therapist from post-college years, Dr. Jaffe.

Dr. Jaffe truly helped me save myself, in a time when I needed to decide if I was going to follow what was expected of me (continue with more school and/or start a career), or if I was going to keep supporting myself with teaching yoga, in the hopes that I’d be a stay at home mom eventually, with no debt or career to leave behind.

And she helped me know Chris was the man I was supposed to marry, something I’d known for years and years, but got scared to officially accept, because it meant closing a corner of my heart that I never wanted to shut.

So I saw Dr. Jaffe last week (without Everett), and I’m glad I did. It felt good and appropriate to catch-up, explaining how different this pregnancy feels, how I keep forgetting about it and then wondering if that’s normal, and how stuck I feel, creating a baby in the midst of miserable hormones, uninspired to keep writing to you.

Talking in a comfortable environment allowed me to empty out many tangled questions and fears, coincidentally preparing me for a great planned weekend away without Chris or Everett.

The next morning, Nana came around ten o’clock to watch Everett, so I could hit the road towards Annapolis, Maryland, to my girlfriend Olivia’s apartment. I was staying for a visit and the You Are a Badass book signing in Baltimore. It’s a book written by my literal idol of an author.

The entire car ride there, I kept seeing signs that made me feel like I was going towards something exciting–something that was going to help lift my spirits. I’d pass the 1111.1 mile marker, happening to catch its glance in a split second. Or I saw a big motor vehicle with the logo “Puma” painted across the side, which has been Chris’ nickname for me since college.

Once I arrived and settled into her artsy, independently decorated abode, Olivia and I went into the city for a delicious Thai dinner, and then walked into the John Carrol campus store to get a coffee at Starbucks. Apparently the University’s mascot is my special Blue Jay, which were displayed everywhere on t-shirts, mugs, posters, etc. I felt like I was in the right place, like everything was lining up for a fantastic evening.

Our Starbucks total came to $7.53. And when we had left her apartment earlier, Olivia’s car dashboard clock said 3:57. It’s the same consecutive odd numbers, flipped.

I know it’s so dumb! I know. But really, these are the little things that make life feel exciting to me–that make me feel like you and I can still connect, and that the timing in my life is always perfect. I get this trusting, reassuring rush, that lights up everything inside me, until I start to doubt it and think it’s silly to pay attention to things like numbers and birds and pumas.

We walked across the street to the book signing, located in a cute local bookshop, and found seats. There was the perfect amount of people–not too crowded, but not like no one cared to show up. And books were neatly shelved on all the walls around us, creating a cozy and inspiring environment that I was thankful to be in.

When Jen Sincero came through the entrance door, I stared and stared like she was the most famous person in the world, not “just” a best-selling author. I was giddy, and Olivia and I kept making little gossip comments like, She’s so tall! I love her shirt. Oh my God.

Hearing her speak in person took everything I ever read and blew it up into big-sized pieces, ones that I was eating by the mouthful, while my inner voice was saying, you can do this…you can do this…you will write your book! I could feel how sure I was, that being published could and would be done.

It felt like the energetic boost I’d been needing lately.

She was telling her story about being broke and wanting so desperately to be rich and “stop sucking,” and explained how excruciating it feels to know you’re not living up to your true potential. And it was like ding ding ding! 

That’s what has hurt the most during these last few months: the knowing of how wonderful this book could be, if I only believed and continued to believe in it and myself.

I would keep making excuses to stop writing, as I have in the past, but these ones felt truly legitimate. I told myself that I’ve accomplished my dream already, of being a mom and having a happy home and family. Which is entirely true. But it’s not “all.”

In the back of my (now signed!) copy of You Are a Badass, a long long time ago, I wrote in pink permanent pen:

I will have a beautiful home

All of my many children will be healthy

My writing will become something meaningful

I will always believe in myself and LOVE WHO I AM

And lately in this pregnancy slump, if I settled into the thought that I’ve already met my goals, I could convince myself of being content. But denying myself the ability to grow, especially when I can see and feel and imagine how good it will feel to rise further towards the sun, has now become more difficult than staying put and settling back down into familiar soil.

By avoiding the pain and fear we are afraid of, we create it and stay in it, because moving forward involves too much risk and judgement and unknown and “work.”

I seemed to have still been under the impression that I could choose to stay comfortable and just be happy with the beautiful life I have now, even if I never became a writer.

Because I have a great home. I have a healthy child, with one on the way. I am married to my best friend. That’s enough, right? 

Of course it is. But not when I can feel down into the deepest parts of me, what it will feel like to get published, to get paid the amounted check that sits pinned to my vision board, and to start building the house we imagine, on the property we dream of, with a plethora of kids and animals frolicking around.

Like Jen said, it feels excruciating to ignore that inner voice. And until I heard her say that, my inner voice was being squashed with reason and responsibility and perspective and “reality.”

The smallest crack of doubt will shatter my desire to move forward, something that has happened over and over again through this writing journey. As soon as I get something accomplished, like finishing my proposal, I get comfortable and content with “enoughness,” conceiving up unlimited reasons why it’s time to dust my fingers free and stop writing.

I submitted a god damn query letter–something that last February I was setting as one of my bullet point goals–and then just quit, settling into that okay I did it, I’m done now, because continuing on meant more rejection, more belief, more unknown. 

I don’t know how many more times I’m going to get dragged down by doubt. It may be something I’m always going to fight against, or maybe by the grace of all that is holy, this shift is permanent.

I even almost persuaded myself to not drive to Maryland. That voice was saying, you don’t have to leave and drive four hours, when’s the last time you even drove that far by yourself? 

Me, getting scared to drive to another state. This is the girl who took trains and boats around Amsterdam solo, almost too merrily stoned and not an ounce less scared, to read the transporting tickets that would get her safely back home to London.

I convince myself out of the things that will help me, without even realizing that by doing so, I’m sabotaging my growth.

One last thing I want to share with you.

While driving to Maryland, I was listening to a random Esther Hicks YouTube video. This woman speaks about energy and attraction and thought–all that fun stuff I love telling you about, and her books and lectures have taught me an incredible amount since I found them.

But as I navigated the highway, trying safely to hear the GPS and good ol’ Esther, I happened to catch her say: Anytime you feel negative emotion, it’s because you’re going against the person you’re becoming. 

It was another ding ding ding! 

We are all constantly becoming, a very part of this beautiful forward flow of energy that creates the world around us. And when we go against the current, when we deny that inner voice inside and stay safe, choosing a career because our parents say so, or wussing and excusing ourselves out of a needed weekend away from family, it hurts. It muddles our light and we feel terrible, stuck in the trying circle of convincing ourselves, it was the right choice….it was the smart choice…I didn’t need to go anyways, etc.

I don’t want to go against who I’m becoming anymore. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to be a wimp. I don’t want to stay put. I don’t want to settle in familiarity, even though I am a creature that thrives on comfort and things staying the same.

Because I can’t. It’s come to hurt too much, like I’ll burst if I don’t naturally allow myself to bloom.

And my true eventual hope is that someday somebody will read this journal of my becoming, knowing that they can grow towards the light, too.

 

 

FEBRUARY 2, 2018 TWENTY TWO months old

All around you are spirits, child. They live in the earth, the water, the sky. If you listen, they will guide you.”

-Grandmother Willow

Life with Everett continues to color our days here at home with fun, laughs and the perfect amount frustration. He’s discovering how to climb and be cleverly mischievous, sneaking his little hands into everything possible. I’m learning the balance of when to yell and when to calmly correct him. When he doesn’t listen, sometimes raising my voice works, but most of the time I just scare him and then feel terrible. And it makes me upset and worked up. But it’s so easy to scream. I feel like you when I do it.

A small part of me likes that, like yes be tough like mom was. And then another part says, that’s not you and you don’t have to do everything just like her. 

What can I say–I’m learning.

When we took a walk a few days ago, he wanted to stop and play in the grass. After waiting there too long, I told him to let’s go! but he wouldn’t budge. I even tried walking away but he could’ve cared less. So I dragged him by his arm for a few forceful steps until he laid practically face down on the pavement in a temper tantrum. I forced him to stand and got him to walk by singing a song about what a big boy he was.

You’re a walking boy, yes yes yes, going home to see your bunny and eat snacks!

Singing silly felt like a win. Dragging him and yelling did not. But who knows what type of mother I’ll be when more kids come along.

Recently I moved my bunny upstairs (I know, you wouldn’t approve) because he’s just trapped downstairs in the dark basement all day, seeing or hearing no signs of life. It’s lonely and I feel bad for him. So now he’s around all of us, and Everett likes to blow him kisses and throw pieces of his leftover lunch through the cage. Yesterday it was potato latkes. Everett can’t leave the bunny alone, but I don’t blame him. It’s cute to see him love his animals so much.

I feel like I’m ready to burst through the seams of our house though, ready for warmer air and the ability to go outside for walks and playtime. It’s nice getting to relax, watch movies and eat–that’s honestly what our days revolve around now, but cabin fever is a real term for a stay at home mom in wintertime.

We are going out to eat tonight as a family and I’ve been thinking about it all week, like it’s the outing of a lifetime, because I get to leave for other reasons than Target or Trader Joe’s.

Everett’s favorite movie right now is Hercules. We’ve watched it too many times to count. I put it on for him the other day and actually snuck a shower in while he was cuddled on the couch with a blanket, sippy cup, and Clifford. I felt like an accomplished superwoman.

He also likes Pocahontas and spins and sings when the Indians do their chants around the fire. I know it’s a feminine movie, but I grew up watching all those classics, each having an important lesson. When she runs through the woods and sings about the rivers and the animals being her brothers, and that we are all connected to each other, in a circle that never ends, I repeat the stuck-in-my-head lyrics while wiping down the kitchen counter, feeling silly but remembering that you are never far, because even Pocahontas says so.

Recently Everett’s been getting up at 4:30 a.m. For awhile it was 5:30, which was acceptable because we were just used to it, but the time has gotten earlier and earlier until I woke up on Monday, mad and tired, cursing that this nonsense would stop. It was time for a “baby re-set” as aunt Sara calls it.

We never officially made the transition to one nap and I think that’s where some of the problem is rooting. Everything, including his bedtime, needs to be shifted later. Each day this week I’ve done an extra fifteen minutes.

Ideally, in a few weeks, he will be taking one nap from roughly 11-2. That would be a best case scenario. And bedtime would be around 6:30. My goal is to have him realistically adjusted by Valentine’s day, so hopefully when I check in with you around then, this mama is getting more things done during the day and more sleep in the mornings.

Speaking of mornings–I recently stopped the early 6 a.m. yoga class I teach on Wednesdays. Chris is going back to school for his masters and cannot go into work late anymore while he watches Everett. So I will have one class, on Sunday mornings, and something about that just feels right. It gives me more opportunity to practice on my own mat during the week, and it’s one less day of getting up hours before the sun.

And it’s great timing because I am in fact pregnant.

This second time around already feels so different than with Everett. When I found out I was pregnant with him, the thought of pregnancy filled every mental second. I read blogs and articles and books and was so excited to learn as much as I could about what was happening inside my body and what life would be like once the baby was out.

I still get all gooey every time I tell someone the new news, but keep forgetting about those two pink positive lines on my test. I remember when I want to have a beer and think, nope can’t do that for awhile. Or when I wonder why I’ve been so tired in the afternoons or why my mood is for once stable.

The pausing of my menstrual cycle is the best thing about being pregnant. I love it. Hormones are whacky while growing a human, but for me personally, it doesn’t compare to the ups and downs I feel during my moon cycle.

What’s a moon cycle? I can already see you rolling your eyes at me, but listen, I’m not weird here. I’ve been reading a lot about the moon and its connection to women’s menstrual cycles, trying in any way to understand why I’ve always been so influenced by my period. Because no one really talks about them. And you certainly never did. The only thing you ever told me about puberty was that you grow boobs.

We were at one of my horse riding lessons and my teacher joked, saying something like, “Oh you just wait until you hit puberty.” Not knowing what that word meant, I later asked and you gave that one simple answer. I think “back then” it wasn’t as normal to talk about our bodies as it is today.

My menstrual cycle has had so much control over me, I tried anti-depressants when Everett was eight or so months old. I didn’t know what else to do and figured since you’d been on that same medication before during certain times in your life, it was okay for me to be too.

But taking that medicine made me numb and everything flat-lined. It took away my anxiety, it took away my lowest lows, but it also took away my highest highs. After a month, I stopped, knowing I had control over my body and was determined to understand the power of being positive. It seemed like my only choice. And thus my journey of understanding the Universe and thoughts and appreciation and all that stuff I bore you with was started.

In the cycles of nature, there are ebbs and flows within the seasons, the tides, and the waxing/waning of the moon. This mimics the cycle that is within women, the cycle that governs not only the flow of blood, but the flow of creativity and information. It’s instinctive and natural and connects us with something greater than ourselves. At least I believe so.

And our periods particularly mimic the moon phases, which is why women since the beginning of time have referred to it as “being on their moon.”

Between when my period starts and ovulation, I’m at my emotional best. This is my “highest highs” phase, when I sing in the car, believe I can write, and feel beautiful in my skin. I’m expressive, happy, have enthusiasm and new ideas–everything just feels good and balanced.

That lasts for about fourteen days and then comes ovulation. This is where the luteal phase begins, a phase I hated for all my teenage years and young adult life. Ever since I started my cycle, I never understood why I felt so different for half of the month. I didn’t understand why I felt emotional about everything, why I questioned my decisions, etc. This was always when I missed you the most, the times I’d lay in bed buried under the covers and cry until there was nothing left to empty out.

I’d judge myself and feel lazy and unproductive. My body would bloom a little fuller, especially in my chest and belly, and every month, I always thought I was just getting “fat.” So I’d eat less and exercise more, doing exactly the opposite of what my body needed most: rest and nourishment. For half of the month, I hated my body and how it made me feel. If I would indulge into my natural cravings, I’d throw the food right up.

A lot of past problems stemmed from not understanding my body.

But during this luteal phase, instead of hating myself and wondering why I’m crazy, it’s my time to reflect and go inward. It’s my time for me, to sleep and eat more, journal and stay home–not feel like a piece of shit. This is hard, especially as a mother, but it has forced me to be more kind to myself and not feel selfish for taking a small nap on the days Chris gets home from work early.

What’s amazing about all of this is that the moon phase goes in a circle of 29.5 days, the average length of a woman’s menstrual cycle. And the phases of the moon mirror what happens inside our bodies during ovulation. It’s even been scientifically proven that during a full moon (representing a ripe and ready egg in our uterus), women are more fertile.

I don’t fully understand it all, but that’s not the point–I truly believe I’m supposed to feel the highs and lows and work with the monthly cycle within my body, not against it.

These are ideals I want to teach my girls (if I have any, of course–Chris is convinced we’ll have all boys). I was educated on periods in middle school, but with the undertone of ew that’s so gross and don’t ever have sex or you’ll get pregnant and die. There was no connection of the physical body and the emotional side. And if there ever was, it was somehow all boiled down into the worst combination of three letters: PMS.

I don’t need my kids to pretend they’re Pocahontas and sleep outside to sync up their periods with the actual moon.

But I will explain to them why they feel a little crazy during that luteal phase, after ovulation. I will teach them how to track their cycles, even if they have irregular periods or what not. I don’t want them taking a birth control pill to “control” the most natural thing about them.

I know. I can hear you saying, but they’ll get pregnant! Would you want that for your teenage daughter? 

Even though you weren’t alive by the time I started having sex, I can tell you now that I never relied on birth control. I tried it a few times, hoping it would regulate my moods, but never liked how it made me feel. So I learned to track my cycle, become aware of when I was fertile, and always used protection.

And knowing your rhythms makes getting pregnant a bit easier. Boo-ya!

I’m proud of all I’m learning. I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I know it probably all sounds strange to talk about my period so openly, but I wish someone would’ve normalized it when I was younger.

I really feel as if I got pregnant at the right time. As my body is creating life within, I can continue to create this writing into a reality. It’s a beautiful comparison if you think about it. My August goal for a book deal suddenly seems to make sense–it will be a few months before this baby is due. And we have three separate friends getting married this fall. The baby will be guaranteed out by the time Jessie has her wedding in Maryland, and I keep picturing myself with my long hair, healed red lipstick lips, and a baby on my boob, drinking a Blue Moon on my best friend’s big day. Talk about goals.

Thank you for where I am. Thank you for the timing of my life. Thank you for the sudden clarity I feel in my mind, as my body begins to take on a new form, creating our second child. I can’t wait to see what’s to come and for the first time in a long time, I am entirely hopeful.

JANUARY 25, 2018 TWENTY ONE months old

First post of the new year, long overdue.

Since we last talked, I’ve thought about quitting this book, I’ve thought about starting it over. I’ve thought about switching my direction entirely, and I’ve thought about waiting until a “better time” to try and become an author.

Without even realizing it, I started sabotaging myself and the idea of publishing this journal, thinking, I’ll still write a book, just not this one.

I can now recognize those words as nothing but fear, hiding in disguise and sneaking into the corners of my brain like a slithering snake, trying its best to scare me to quits.

But it’s scary to have two years of work, written out on paper and summarized into one little proposal, which gets sent out to huge publishers that honestly probably don’t even open my e-mail inquiry.

Here goes my current affirmation:

The right publisher will embrace me.

This project will bloom into huge success.

Because without belief and the knowing that these words will become bound in a book, it’s just not possible.

I continually forget that I’m not supposed to know how to do any of this. I’m not supposed to know which publisher is right, which wording is perfect or how to build my audience–I’m supposed to trust and relax, trust and relax. I’m supposed to keep meditating each morning so I can get my brain quiet enough for the day ahead, ready to hear and see and become aware of all the ways Source is communicating to me the way forward.

So that is my focus now: trust and relax. It sounds like the easiest thing in the world, but yet nothing has proven to be more damn difficult.

A few days ago, I watched a home video of you and hours later, while driving in my car alone, I kept crying over and over, each time I remembered the way your face looked, the way your voice sounded, the way we were all permanently recorded together in that special house as a family.

It’s been awhile since I’ve cried about you, but I don’t say that to brag. I say that because I’ve honestly forgotten that you used to be a physical person. I have become so used to thinking of you as unseen energy, like my personal little spirit in the sky, that when I saw you on video, you came alive again and I felt my heart flutter and pound and silently whisper over and over, mom mom mom mom.

I felt like I was your tiny baby again, needing the one person who felt natural and right to take care of me.

But in that grief, in that sadness, I have learned that just because I can’t see you, doesn’t mean you’re not real, which is perhaps one of the strangest lessons for us humans to learn.

It reminds me of the Polar Express book Nana would always read to us kids at Christmas. At the end, she’d gently shake the jingle-less bell, saying that only those who believed would hear its ring. We’d all say, “I hear it! I hear it!” after it was individually held up to each of our ears.

Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are things we can’t see. 

I can feel more than anything, how much I want Everett and all our future children, to never stop believing those words. Because we all come into this world with that sense of magic, but lose it when everyone else around us starts questioning it, trying to come up with answers, like as to why Santa Clause can’t come down a chimney, or why the dreams we read about in fairytales just don’t come true.

That’s why I have to keep writing. How can I look at my kids and tell them all these beautiful truths I’m learning to remember, if right now, at this pivotal becoming “era” I feel like I’m in, I shrink back into myself, afraid of failure and afraid of doubt?

It just wouldn’t work.

When I first thought out my “plan” for this book, I gave myself until August 2018 to have some kind of end result. Why, I don’t know, I just felt it, so I wrote it down and made an end goal. While I know this is something I want to create–I know I can’t dapple along for another five years, saying to myself, I’m writing a book. 

No. Homie don’t play that, said in your original words, of course. I want to give myself the room to believe, the room to relax and trust, the room for this path to unfold without forcing my way through it. But I also need a time goal, or else I’ll change my mind another thousand times, something I seem to be infamous for.

Haven’t you noticed? I am ready for a baby. No way, not yet. I have baby fever! I am scared when I see newborns. I mean, that was an ongoing conversation in this journal for the past year.

At the end of my 6 a.m. yoga class this morning, I read one of my favorite quotes of all time, one I’ve never thought to share with you. And it just seems to sum up how I feel in this phase of my life. I want to tape it to my bathroom mirror, and repeat it each morning.

I now have a life of ease and lightness

Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better

I am working smarter, not harder

I am now creating the life of my dreams,

in an easy relaxed manner, in a healthy positive way, in it’s own perfect time,

for the highest good of all.

It seems that I keep needing to remind myself to continue believing in my capability, each and every time I go on a binge of self-doubt. It seems I have to keep reminding myself that you’re still real. But I don’t want to feel ashamed of those things anymore, thinking, why can’t I just get this stuff right once and for all? Because I’m not supposed to. And I want anyone who ever reads these words to remember that it’s okay if they have to keep reminding themselves that they’re beautiful, that they’re powerful, that they’re capable.

I think that’s a part of our journey here on earth: to constantly keep remembering to believe in all the good–to consciously choose to believe in the good, about ourselves, about each other and the world around us.

Now while I didn’t write to you all this time, I still wrote in my pen and paper journal:

January 20, 2018 

I don’t have much time to write, but I’ve had the feeling I’m pregnant. Our past two “tries,” I said the same thing, but I feel like I did before finding out I was carrying Everett–I’m not questioning it, I honestly and truly feel that I am, for reasons I can’t entirely explain.  

Last night I decided to pull a tarot card (Chris sometimes likes to “play” the game at night before bed, to my absolute surprise) and I got the queen of hearts. She had long flowing hair and green eyes and was holding with her hands, centered at her chest, a bowl overflowing with flowers and fruit and I said to him, “I bet this means a baby.” 

She looked literally fruitful and motherly and like the beautiful goddess I try to convince myself I really am. Pulling that card was the intuitive proof I needed for the way I had been feeling. And coincidentally (or not), hearts in the tarot deck represents your intuition and emotions. Hello. 

Hoping to prove Chris’ doubts otherwise about my gypsy cards, I looked up in my little guidebook what the queen stood for: 

Fertility. 

I bet my lucky stars I’m carrying my second child.  

I won’t ever have proof that that queen of hearts card was meant to be pulled, right on the day that I kept thinking on and off: I’m pregnant. No I’m not. Yes I am! Nope, no you’re not. But the way I felt when I read it–it solidified everything.

All wrapped up into one teensy moment, I felt you, I felt assured, I felt a part of a great power, I felt taken care of and most importantly, heard.

May I trust each and every beautiful moment like the one I journaled about, knowing each and every time, to just trust and relax, trust and relax–that everything is always, without exception, working out for me with perfect timing.

Because everything is always working out for us if we simply choose to believe so. The magic is always there, hidden in plain sight for anyone who dares to search for it.

 

 

DECEMBER 8, 2017 TWENTY months old

We are in a happy phase right now, here at the Pearlman home. I love this cradled in comfort time of year, right after Thanksgiving and weeks before Christmas, when the weather is cool but not yet slushed with snow and that familiar anticipation awaits the happy season.

And I especially love the parties and traditions and togetherness, but ever since you transitioned from this world, Christmas has never been the same, even after all these years.

The first December came only months after you died. I ordered and bought and taped and wrapped, seventy-two presents for us four kids. Cole and Tatum were still young enough to believe the gifts came from Santa and not their big sister.

When we opened them, our house was empty of the one person who made those Christmas mornings so special and your absence ached and ate away at my insides.

I gifted Dad a big frame, holding pictures of the two of you through your shared seventeen years and he choked back tears, unable to look at them. It was devastating and confusing and I remembering wondering if I should’ve felt ashamed or accomplished for creating a present that made my unbreakable father cry.

I don’t know how he handled it, how he sat down there and watched his kids lose the magic of Christmas, as all the love we once shared seemed to shrivel and shrink and separate into individual hurting hearts.

In the years to come, I want my children to not receive seventy-two presents, but rather a reasonable amount they can anticipate and appreciate. I want them to understand that our family being together, all under the same roof, is what’s to be celebrated. And sledding and cookie baking and classic movie watching, all done as a family, is what’s to be treasured and remembered–that’s what it was always about for you, underneath the fancy parties, underneath our obscene amount of presents.

I don’t mean to sound like a sad humbug. Because I really am looking forward to this month of December. Kati is coming home from Texas, Allison turns 24, Yoga Flow is having a holiday party, my friends are getting together on numerous occasions, my father-in-law has his annual birthday dinner and we are seriously trying for baby number two.

With doubt and hesitation stopping the “trying process” for months now, I finally know it’s time. It’s safe to say Chris has a good month ahead of him.

Not much is new in the world of Everett. Each morning, he gets up around 6 a.m. and we go downstairs to watch cartoons for an hour or so. It’s our lazy time together, when I make breakfast and wake up the house, starting laundry and getting my coveted cup of coffee.

Some mornings I’m in disbelief that I get to begin my days in such a way–slow and with my babies (the dog included).

After T.V. we go upstairs and Everett sits in his room and flips through hardback books while I dry my hair and wrap it in hot rollers. On a “fun” day, I play music, singing in my bathroom that has a straight and full-view to his room.

He likes dancing to oldies and when Sherrrrrrrrry…..Sherry babyyyyy comes on, he nods his head and shakes his little body, still while readying. It’s so cute.

Everett always looks like he’s going to burst of joy–never have I met such a happy kid. He feels like my own extra special exception.

After playtime, he takes a nap, I do my little meditation and start writing until he wakes up. Sometimes I get an hour, sometimes even two, but when he’s up, I’m a mom again and I close my office door (which is really just our spare bedroom). I never want to get lost between following a personal dream and doing what makes me most happy–mothering. They have to balance and blend and not outweigh the other, otherwise, I’d have to set this book aside.

I’m proud to tell you my proposal is finished. It currently consists of over fifty pages, including parts like the books’ overview, sample chapters and a market analysis. So I’ve set aside the time between now and Christmas, to proof and rearrange and edit it over and over, l until I feel confident enough to send it out to the list of literary agents I have pinned to my vision board.

And I sent my query letter, a piece of writing some agents ask for before even agreeing to open your proposal, to a past professor of mine. I had her each semester in college and credit her ability to critique my writing more than anyone else. Her revisions were the pair of proofing eyes I needed before moving forward.

I feel pressure, I feel scared, but more than anything, I’m excited. I wrote a book proposal!

Some more news.

I’ve consistently meditated Monday through Saturday for almost an entire month now, starting with eight minutes in the morning. I’ve upped my time to ten minutes now–oooooh, and that’s all together one hour per week that I get to sit, breathe, clear my mind and make space for more good and positivity.

So many times before, I’d quit the commitment after a few days because it just seemed too simple to be of any benefit. But meditating is now starting to feel necessary, like every person in the world should try it.

The most important thing I have learned in ten years of practicing yoga is breathing. It’s not forward bending, not standing on my hands, not even learning how to teach. It’s simply the breath.

And breathing is key for meditation. It creates a rhythm, an awareness and the ability to connect with the greater power that gives me the energy to inhale and exhale in the first place.

When I close my eyes and seal my lips and start slowly breathing through my nose, I’m taken to a place in my head that I want to always stay. My focus is strong and my thoughts are intentional, rather than covered up by the constant background noise I wish I could just shut up.

And I’ll get an idea about somewhere to go, something to write about, someone to call….which all feels right, like something divine is guiding me and the thought that comes.

I can’t explain it without sounding strange. I’ve tried to tell Chris about my “meditating findings” and knew he was keeping his crazy pedometer on stand-by while still trying to be respectful of his wife.

However, I know I can tell you without receiving judgement. Because you exist in that powerful, yet calm place I’m learning to become a part of.

While meditating a few days ago, I asked “you” (which is the same as asking Source Energy or God or the Universe because everything is connected) to send me a reassuring sign that I’m choosing the right title for this book.

I want to call it Blue Jays and Lilies.

As soon as I was done and my ten minute timer went off, before moving my body, I picked up my phone and searched “mother journal magazine” on Google, hoping to find something that I could potentially write an essay for, in order to beef up my proposal’s bio section. When I hit enter, a bird magazine came up (why, I don’t know) with a blue jay on its cover.

And then a few hours later, I impulsively opened Instagram for the first time in a few days. Meghan’s posted calligraphy photo popped up and as I admired her art, I noticed a ruler in her picture’s background. It was branded Lily and Val and I immediately thought of our Lily of the Valley flower.

I got chills and smiled and kicked my heels thinking oh my freaking shit this stuff works. 

So Blue Jays and Lilies is my book title. I know I’ve already shared with you the lily’s significance, but blue jays have been appearing in my dreams, in books and I find their feathers and see them flying on our walks. Every time, I’m reminded of you.

Because in these signs, I’m assured there is a way to connect with you. They make me feel like I’m a part of life and the energy that makes up this Universe, not a victim to the circumstances or happenings that occur in my experience.

“The moment you have the audacity to start believing in the not-yet unseen, your reality will begin to shift. You have to change your thinking first, and then the evidence appears. Our big mistake is that we do it the other way around. We demand to see the evidence before we believe it to be true.” -Jen Sincero

I cannot be connected with a higher power if I’m sad and depressed and stuck in my mind. I cannot receive the magical evidence, like the blue jays, if I don’t believe there’s a higher power at work. And I cannot feel close to you if I believe you’ve permanently disappeared.

It’s all like comparing a closed flower to an open one–the sunshine simply cannot get in.

The only “price” I have to pay in order to stay connected and open, is put myself in the happy, positive and believing mindset that attracts the good stuff. But why does that sometimes feel so hard, even though my life is so wonderful?

Everett and I were at Whole Foods yesterday and at the checkout line, there was an older woman in front of us, dressed up like she was coming out of a meeting, with a silk scarf squaring her shoulders and a huge diamond ring that shined as she swiped her credit card. She was with her daughter, who had a baby, and for a moment I felt that pitted pang of jealousy, thinking, why can’t I have my mother like she does?

I caught the ringed one looking at me funny, probably judging my checkered flannel and moccasins, and she had a smart attitude with the cashier, directing which groceries went into what bags like it really mattered. Her and her daughter kept bickering at each other, keeping me entertained live while waiting in line.

But instead of letting any of their bad vibes absorb into mine, I understood their gloomy mood had nothing to do with me and tried to remember that I get to have you in a more special way than merely physical–that you were indeed there with Everett and I.

After they left and I was rung up, my total came to $23.45, the least amount of money I’ve ever walked into that store paying, but look at the pattern of the numbers.

While walking to our car, I discovered their Mercedes was parked right next to mine and smiled at the synchronicity.

I felt like I was gliding on water, a very part of the sunshine and clear sky and my ever-present mother who always seems to have a way of “showing up” when I need her.

I thought about the fact that if I never lost you, I would’ve remained a closed flower, just like that woman and her daughter, unaware of their connection to the world, comfortable in pettiness and material things, blind to the sunshine because their petals are pulled shut.

Because you cannot be miserable and expect miracles to manifest.

We are energetic creatures in an energetic Universe, where everything vibrates at certain frequencies. The better my vibration (the more I appreciate, the happier I am, the healthier my thoughts) the closer I am to you, the closer I am to the higher power.

When you died, you returned to the energy that created the Universe. You returned to the energy we all come from, the same energy that grows the grass and shines the sun and moves the wind and gives me my beautiful breath.

As a living human being, I am an extension of that Source Energy (or God), and when my time comes to move into the non-physical, I will return to the Source, just as you did.

So there is always a connection. We are all the same stuff, tethered tightly to all things and always able to reach each other (if we would only stop whining about our lives and choose to feel good).

I feel guilty that it took your death for me to realize what now feels like the foundation of my life. I will not waste this gift you’ve given me, better than any of the hundreds of Christmas presents I gathered through childhood.

And how wonderful it is, to think that my children will grow up, never having to fear losing their parents or anyone else they’ll ever love, because in all my power, I will teach them that there is no such thing as separation in our Universe–that severance is only of the mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOVEMBER 17, 2017

“There is never any separation, ever, between physical and non-physical. And every relationship you’ve ever lived is eternal.” -Abraham Hicks

That means I’m eternally your daughter and you’re forever my mother. What a beautiful thought.

I know I’m starting to sound crazy with the amount of times I tell you about the Universe. But I’d equate what I’ve been feeling the past few months as when people “find God,” like some kind of internal awakening into finally believing something greater than myself exists.

And as a small side effect to this awakening, I am becoming more aware of my surroundings. I notice the sky, the clouds, the temperature outside and the way the cold wind feels on my cheeks. I am becoming more connected and more appreciative for all the things the Universe does to keep this planet spinning round and round.

Well not all the time, but on a good day. I never want to make myself sound like a perfect person full of peace, because finding such peace is the work of a lifetime.

Oh how wonderful it is, that you my sweet sweet mother, are a part of the greater power of this world.

Nine planets round the sun
Only one does the sun embrace
Upon this watered one
So much to we take for granted.

So let us sleep outside tonight
Lay down in the mother’s arms
For here we can rest safely.

Good old Dave Matthews, whose lyrics started to shape and shift my mind as a teenager, helping me think differently from what I was taught about the sky and heaven and things such as love.

What if Dave Matthews never believed in his singing and talent? What if he listened when told he’d never succeed? I probably would’t have survived high school, that’s what.

I’d listen to his albums on a burned mixed C.D. with the title “favorites” written in black Sharpie. It would play as my melodious backdrop, all the times I drove in my favorite car of all time, the Volkswagen Jetta. After nights out with happy friends who were innocently ignorant to the damage your cancer had caused, I hated going home to our empty house. So I’d waste time driving around and around, crying and singing and circling the familiar roads that once surrounded my home, trying to make sense of life after you left.

I have an incredible new respect for musicians, writers (yes, like Dr. Seuss), designers–anyone whose accomplished something that took the guts to break through their own reverie and into a dream reality. I’m realizing that Beyonce isn’t the only person that beat the odds of believing in herself.

 

Everett is still happy and fun and literally growing curls out of his ears. I had Terri give him his first haircut (well, trim) and he just snacked on cheddar chips the entire time, clueless to the scissors snipping around his forehead. And I kept a curl because every woman who heard about his first haircut, basically demanded that I keep a lock. It’s in a ziplock bag in my memory box, waiting to become a small, evidential charm of his childhood.

He says, there ya go! when handing me something. Every morning I take him in the bathroom with me and while I sit on the toilet, he opens our “catch all” drawer and hands me every assorted item he can, like hair ties, preparation H and blush brushes.

Mum mum will still be muttered now and then, but never if I ask him to. It has to be on his command. After turning off his lights for bed, I still go in fifteen or twenty minutes later to say another good night. And that’s when he’ll look at me and say my name, over and over, in the most darling voice.

I respond softly, “Yes, it’s mum mum…I love you sweet boy. You were so good today. Did you have fun? I did. Time for bed. Lay down, I’ll rub your back….” It’s our little “thing,” our time to regroup for a second after a long day and whisper words of love.

I’m thankful I grew up with a mother who kissed me goodnight, even through my teen years.

I’ve learned to rotate his toys, taking a few into the basement for a month and then returning them to the living room so it’s there when he wakes up in the morning. It’s like a recycled Christmas.

He’s using a spoon to eat yogurt and a fork to prick his apple chicken sausage (still the only meat he will eat). The “feed myself process” makes a mess, but I can cook a meal in the kitchen while he’s scooping and poking away, examining the bites that make it to his mouth, as well as the pieces that fall onto the floor and become Clifford snacks.

When we were in Virginia last weekend, Aunt Jessica’s dog had a new litter of puppies. They were a week old, so super cute and cuddly, with their eyes and ears still sealed shut. All nine of them would nurse at one time, stacked up against their mom, upside down or whatever direction they could manage to latch. It was beautiful to witness but all I thought was, yikes I couldn’t even handle one baby sucking on me. 

But Everett was so sweet with them! Oh you should’ve seen it. He’d walk into the room where they were huddled together as soon as he managed freedom from someone’s watching eyes. I’d catch him talking gibberish to the pups in a high pitched tone, waving his arms and blowing kisses.

I hope my baby always stays sweet. I hope he inherits his Dad’s sweetness, the secret part of Chris that only a close circle of people know–like me and his mother and sister.

Every weekend morning, we get up as a family around six o’clock. Chris makes coffee (he actually gets excited about this because during the week, he “misses coffee with pumy”–it’s pronounced like poomy. He has called me that for so long, if I hear Hayley, my brain skips a connecting spark and I’m confused for a second, like, who?).

Saturdays are for whatever goes, always ending with out favorite Thai restaurant takeout and a movie. And on Sundays, I teach a 9 a.m. yoga class: it’s mom’s time alone and away and with adults.

While I’m gone, Chris usually takes Everett to see his parents and that way Judy can have time with the baby. That’s our focus right now: Everett getting as much time with his “Nonni” as he can, because time is of the limit these days. And I don’t want to say anything more about that right now, not even to you.

A few weeks back, I had such a real dream about you, Mom. When I woke up, I felt all confused and sad, carrying a weight in my stomach because:

reality = real

my dream = just a dream.

I called Allison, having to tell her about the way you and I were in a car together sharing silence, driving and gliding effortlessly through roads that were wedged between rolling fields of green open grass; for some reason, everything around us looked like farmland.

In this dream, I wanted to tell you all the hurt and pain and missing I’ve done since you had left. But before I figured out what to say, we both just looked at each other with this knowing look and you understood all my love, all my missing, all the questioning–you understood it all. We didn’t need words.

That’s what I often think about now–how much I god damn love you. It’s stronger than it ever was when you were living. It’s the love I want my friends to realize for their mothers–I want to shake them and say, do you understand your MOTHER is here still able to hug and kiss you? Do you know how incredible that is? 

That’s all I thought in high school, any time I’d see my girlfriends with their moms. But how could they ever realize, until death creates that distance of aching absence.

A day after my phone conversation with Allison, she called me to share a dream she had about you. She told me she felt so silly for thinking it was actually real, but that it had to be because of the way it made her feel. I, of course, jumped on the opportunity to assure her, Yes yes yes…Mom was connecting to you…it doesn’t have to make sense…she knows you need her right now…believe it. 

Right after I hung up the phone, I was in the car at a stop light. Wanting to put a new playlist on, I picked a random one on Spotify, made a few clicking taps with my fingertips and hoped a good song would come on as I resumed the gas petal and continued my drive home.

The first line of the first song, I kid you not, was:

In the dead of night I meet you in my dreams. 

My jaw stayed open for an entire minute as I tried to figure out how the shit those lyrics played. My skin hairs stood up and I felt quivers, like this acknowledgment saying YES. It was my confirmation that you see both your girls in their dreams and all we have to do is believe in the magic of your current existence.

It’s hard to explain these weird coincidences; it’s like trying to put deja vu into words. You can’t–it’s all about the feeling of it.

When I get moody or sloppy in my thinking, when I get lonely or depressed or down, this magic stops. I am entirely cut off. I stop seeing triple numbers on the clock, I stop hearing certain songs or seeing Blue Jays fly feet away from me when I walk outside. It’s so easy to go back to my “old” ways, not being aware of the good in my life, not noticing the sky outside and thinking you are gone gone gone when I look into Everett’s eyes and begin to miss you.

But I am learning to keep myself open, to continue feeling appreciative as I go through my day and keep the voice inside my head as conscious as I can, like a specialized kind of awareness to the things I see and say. And like I said in the beginning of this entry, nature is so beautiful around this time of year and I can’t believe how much of the time I ignore or take it for granted.

There are some stroller morning walks when I never lift my head up to look around at my surroundings. My gaze in stuck to the pavement, with my feet marching onward like I actually have somewhere important to go. It’s my mission walk, the one I learned from you. And I hate it.

I yell at Clifford for getting tangled in his leash for the tenth time and trying to chase yet another freakin’ squirrel, all while chasing the squirrels in my own head, worrying about how much writing time I’ll have in the day, when I’ll get the laundry done, what time we will leave the house, etc. Stupid mind stuff.

When I walk slower, when I look up and ahead as opposed to down, I see birds flying in flocks. I see the grass in the big abandoned baseball field we pass, the blades iced over and shining the sun’s reflection, looking so pristine, I swear I could skate over it.

Every now and then at night, I’ll go outside to check on the stars. I’ve done it for years now. I can still remember trying to sneak out of the house with my old Lion King printed sleeping bag, laying in the front yard, home phone held to my hear, talking loving conversations with my then sweet heart under the sparkled lights of the sky.

When I see the stars now, I’m reminded of the wonder that is all around, of how small I am and of how small my “problems” are. When I see the ordering pattern of one of the dippers, I’m reminded how powerful and intricate and mysterious the Universe is and that I don’t need to have how it all works answered.

Other times the sky is blank and absolutely dark, besides for the light of the moon. There is no evidence that the stars even exist and yet, I know they are still shining somewhere because the clouds always pass and the stars reappear.

This gives me yet another reason to never lose faith or belief in you. Just because I can’t see you or on some days can’t feel you, doesn’t mean you’re not still there.

Do you have any idea how much power that gives me? To have this perspective when I fall into a slump state is critical and it’s taken me years and years to figure out that when I get “tired” of believing, I don’t have to stop, but rather, just take a second to pause and resume when I’m ready.

Because the stars are always there. You are always there. The Universe is always there and it always has my back. It feels incredible to know that:

“You are never alone or helpless. The force that guides the stars guides you too.” -Prabhat Ranjan Sarkar

And it feels even more incredible to know that you, Mom, are a part of that force.

 

Grandma asked me last week to go shopping for Everett’s Christmas presents. We met at Old Navy and to kill time, went into Marshall’s before eating Panera in each other’s company. I was looking for books to be gifted for Everett and I just so happened to turn my head towards, “Oh the Thinks You Can Think!” by none other than Dr. Seuss. I swear to you, it felt like it was put there on purpose, like someone was playing trickster on me.

Remember I shared a quote from that book in the last entry I wrote to you? The entry where I said I was going to manifest $147?

Seeing that book felt like positive assurance that the money was coming.

Five or so days passed and this morning I started to think, oh crap oh crap where is my $147? But knowing that kind of thinking only brings resistance, I tried to keep believing it was somehow coming or I was capable of creating a way to bring it to me.

While doing my mascara before grocery shopping, I was thinking of what Grandma could get me for Christmas with my remaining “gift budget.” I always take these presents very seriously. Every year I get something I’ve waited and waited for. A nice Anthropologie sweater? A pair of boots? Another jacket? But I don’t want any more clothes….

Light bulb: the book proposal. I had exactly $150 left to spend. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this in the first place.

As childish as I feel, asking a grandparent for what seems like a handout, this will be the most beneficial gift I ever receive. At least I hope. Even though this money didn’t fall out of thin air and even though asking for money as a gift isn’t the most original idea in the world, I feel like all the avenues in my mind lined up, bringing me to a texting exchange with Grandma, where she agreed to simply send a check in the mail.

I always wanted to partly dedicate this journal to her, but now she’s an actual piece of the journey. It’s special. And when her name is written within a few pages from the cover, I can remember this Christmas present and how much I love her.

I can’t wait to start this proposal course. Maybe the next time we talk, I will have an actual proposal written. Sounds way too easy to be true, but I’m going for it.

I love you, Mom. And the next night they’re out, I’ll look for you in the stars, knowing that you and I are never ever separated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOVEMBER 6, 2017 NINETEEN months old

Chris walked into the guest bedroom the other night while I was typing to you. He took one look at my desk and said, “Jesus, it’s like a serial killer’s plotting in here.” 

One of the walls is decorated with quotes and plans and goals for this journal, everything but the push pins and red string linking together my ideas. 

For the rest of October (since I last spoke with you after Maine), I dived into researching how to even start heading in the published direction and learned that a book proposal is basically the selling ticket. It’s what will convince a literary agent that I’m worth pursuing.

I found a great outline to help me write the proposal’s framework and content, of which I’d like to have completed by Christmas and start sending to agents. That will only be the start, I am sure, but nonetheless, it’s a start. 

This writing adventure feels about half way through, having reached a point where I’m ready to whip out my map and see which direction the final summit is. Because I am ready for it. The hardest part may be ahead (finishing the rest of proposal, submitting, rejection, submitting…completing the actual book), but I’ve come this far and believe in it all too much to simply stop, put my gear down and turn around. 

Right now, ideas and inspiration are essential and the more time I spend with my mind quiet, my words appreciative and my feelings positive, the more answers keep appearing on the crumb trail.

I have to trust and remain open, trust and remain open and continually move onward downstream, not up. 

One of my favorite authors, Jen Sincero (whom I know I’ve told you about before–I kind of have a crush on her), came out with a new book this year called, You Are a Badass at Making Money. I would see it in Half Price Books each month when I frequented the store, sitting on the shelf with a vibrant green colored cover. It always caught my attention but I’d ignore it–like literally look away from the title, thinking, a book about money? Not interested.  

Then I read an online article that mentioned her and the new book release. And a few days after that, my sister-in-law sent a text, saying how much she was enjoying the book on tape. And then a yoga student told me they were reading it.

Ignoring (or feeling resistance) towards this book was like a blinking light, alarming my body that something is off here and by repeatedly putting it into my experience, the Universe was saying, could you please just read the damn thing?   

So on a whim one random afternoon, deciding finally to listen to the signs, I got Everett and myself dressed for a bookstore outing. While at the register checking out Sincero’s book, I asked the salesman if he had I Am Yoga, a children’s story that Jessie recently told me to buy. Unfortunately, there were no copies left, so I scooted on out and returned home, only to find an Amazon package had been dropped off on my doorstep. 

It was a copy of I Am Yoga. Being the giving friend that she is, she’d sent it to me (and Everett) for no special reason.  

I felt lit up, really and truly, because the coincidence was so cool to experience. The timing of it was effortlessly perfect, assuring me I followed my intuition correctly with the purchase of the badass book. 

Chris and Everett and I were away this past weekend, visiting your sister in Virginia. On the car ride down, I sat in the passenger seat and read my new book atop a pillow on my lap, all while wearing travel accepted pajamas and moccasin slippers. It was lovely to just be stuck sitting still. And Everett was so good traveling, we barely knew he was in the back, chillin’ in his car seat and trying Sheetz gas station doughnuts for the first time (credits of his Dad).  

But I uncovered the root of my resistance towards money, understanding a new truth I didn’t even know existed until I finished that fantastic book: 

Just because I am a stay at home mom like you were, doesn’t mean I’m not capable or worthy enough or not supposed to make money for my family.

As silly as it sounds, I really and truly believe I needed to surface this belief in order to successfully move forward  as the acclaimed author I dream to be. And the Universe knew this, of course.

My forever belief has been:

When Chris makes enough money, we will buy our property and build our house. 

But I’m waking up to the fact that that’s not necessarily the truth. Or at least, it doesn’t have to be. 

Yes, my mothering job description doesn’t come with an annual salary, but that doesn’t mean I cannot come up with a way to bring money in, if I desire to.  

I am starting to feel the feeling of having money. I’d love to not think about it if Chris and I want to go to dinner. Or not having to think about it when I want to leave a huge tip for the waitress that served us. Chris and I aren’t struggling and I’m not trying to become a millionaire tomorrow. I just want freedom for my family when raising what I hope to be four (ish) kids on a piece of land. And I want the ability to give without limits, teaching my children that there will always be enough to go around if they think and work abundantly. 

Money flows to me easily. 

I love money and money loves me. 

I am so grateful for the freedom money gives me. 

Money will provide my family with land to live and play on with lotof animals. 

I repeated those mantras in this morning’s meditation (of which I’m really trying to make a habit) and just tried to be free, having no thoughts say, yea well you can’t make money where’s your job? How is money just going to come out of thin air?  

When my 8 minute meditation timer went off, the clock said 8:08. And you know I take double or triple numbers as a sign, some sort of higher power awareness, that I am in the flow and right where I am supposed to be. I felt right thinking about money, not shamed or spoiled or shallow. 

I headed straight downstairs to our checkbook and ripped a blank one out, addressing it to Hayley Pearlman for…are you ready? 

$50,000. 

On the “for” line I wrote book deposit (not even knowing what that entirely means) and on the signature line, I wrote for property and house down payment 

Now I honestly have absolutely no idea how much writing a book is worth. I have never looked it up, and don’t even want to because I know I will feel disheartened at all the logistics. I just want to get the energy flowing specifically, telling the Universe, yes I am going to make this much money on this book dealAnd I’ve got to feel that truth and believe it and feel thankful that it’s already on its way and not stop believing until it all comes to be my reality. 

I will not stop. I cannot stop. My faith in the Universe (and therefore YOU), depends on this. It depends on me believing I can publish this journal and make something of it. I decide if my writing will be a success. I decide if that check will be real in my hands. I decide if our dream property is already real, sitting and waiting for us. 

This “believing” always makes me think of Dr. Seuss, who was denied twenty-seven times before his first book became a success. And the only reason he became published in the first place, was because prior to calling it quits, he coincidentally ran into an old friend who happened to be an editor. If he had been walking on the other side of the street, he, in his own words, probably would never have become a children’s author. 

Is that not an example of the Universe working its magic?

“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”  

I’m excited to discover all the things I think up in the time it takes for these words to be printed. And the more evidence I’m given that the Universe is listening, the more momentum I gain in going forward.

And I now know things are going to have to get uncomfortable; otherwise, nothing will change and I won’t propel to where I am headed.  

So here’s something scary and uncomfortable and unknown, but I need to do it:

Manifest $147 to purchase Jen Sincero’s online book proposal course. 

At the beginning of this entry, I thought I already had exactly what I needed for my proposal. And in the meantime of proofing these words to you, I somehow stumbled into this obvious next-step opportunity. If I wouldn’t have read You are a Badass at Making Money, I would’ve never felt inspired to looked for the author’s website and therefore find the proposal course.

I read testimonials of people who bought her course and started to think, this might be a rip off…Chris will think it’s a lot of money…yaddy yadda yadda. But that’s fear setting in. That’s discomfort in the unknown. That’s me not believing in something that was put on my path by the Universe to directly help me out if I’m serious about a book. 

I have a yoga paycheck coming in about a week from now. But for fun–honestly just for the fun of it, I am going to manifest that exact amount of money. Writing it feels daring and already I can hear that tiny little voice saying, good luck with that, you are going to let yourself down, everyone who reads this will think you’re dumb.  

Show me, Universe. Show me, Mom. I will do my part this week, promising to sit down each morning and meditate for my 8 minutes, thinking and feeling about that book proposal money, knowing the exact amount is on its way to me, in whatever way Sorce decides to deliver it. 

And I promise an update on your now nineteen month old grandson, the next time we talk.

Oh! Almost forgot. Cole turns eighteen today. Your baby is legally an adult.

 

 

 

OCTOBER 15, 2017

Oh Mom, Maine was so wonderful. We were gone for the perfect amount of time, just enough to make me miss home and shake me out of my same old routines.

It was so nice to not make the bed, not sweep, not do laundry, not cook dinners….I guess that’s what vacationing as a mother feels like.

We stayed about an hour and twenty minutes from Acadia National Park, so early in the mornings, we’d get up, eat, shower and leave our hotel by 7 a.m. to make the drive in our rental car. Each day we picked somewhere different to explore: Sand Beach, Hunter’s Beach and Ship Harbor were our three highlighted areas.

Every place was more beautiful than the next, with mountains and changing colored trees and sand and rocks and trails of moss and pebbles. The air is so clean and beautiful up there. While in the woods with pine trees lining our paths, it smelled like a cinnamon Christmas.

Everett was in his glory on the sand, and I marveled watching him throw and toss sticks with the Atlantic coast behind him. Seeing a vision like that manifested into reality was pretty incredible, and I felt satisfied knowing I got my son to that spot, just as I’d imagined.

He seemed the perfect age for the trip, too; just old enough to truly have fun. It was like he knew he was the center of me and Chris’ attention, smiling at each of us while out at dinner, virtually saying, you guys…this is just great! 

And this trip solidified us a family. It was our first vacation together (besides camping, but that doesn’t completely count) and I loved how the three of us effortlessly floated along together. Chris and I felt like a team, and I didn’t have to ask him to put on Everett’s shoes or make the twentieth peanut butter and jelly sandwich before we walked out the door. How beautiful it is to share a partnership like that.

And when Everett would cry in the car, refusing to sleep but exhausted from exploring, Chris and I would carry on our conversation, not letting Everett’s tantrum ruin our “fun.” For the first time, we felt like tried and true parents.

Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you. While packing for the trip, I had written and tucked away in my suitcase a post-it note that said: sign in Maine. Otherwise, I’d have forgotten to think about the request I asked for in my last journal entry.

And on our second vacation day, we pulled into the shops at Bar Harbor, first walking to the bathrooms. We passed a shop window that had a little wooden whittled blue jay hanging on a corner display. It’s a bird that always makes me think of you for reasons that seem too silly to even try to explain right now.

I felt like I needed to buy it, like it was “the sign,” so I did, and then shortly after while in the car I started to think, was that it? No, that was stupid. It couldn’t have been the sign. It was just a coincidence. You’re dumb Hayley.

And then Ace of Base’s song came on the radio:

I saw the sign,

and it opened up my eyes,

I saw the sign.

I smirked on the inside, thinking, okay Mom…you win. I mean, come on now.

 

Now that we are home, life feels settled and renewed. Fall is in season, but the temperature has still been warm. I imagine in the next few days, the cool weather Chris and I both wait for all year, will be permanently here.

Everett seems to want me just the right amount, liking to play on his own but he’ll come running if his finger gets pinched in a cupboard and needs comfort. The porch is still his favorite place to play, and I swear, come winter time, I’ll have to put him in a snow suit and boots to keep his outdoor outings a daily thing.

The other night, he was in his high chair and randomly said, “Uh oh!” real loud, with expression. Chris and I laughed, and so of course, Everett kept doing it. And he says “shoes,” now, in a real long high pitch tone like, sssshoeeeees!

When I ask, “Do you want to go nunnies (bed) he says, “YEA,” in a short quick stump of a word. He’ll nod his head in agreement and it’s just so cute watching him communicate. Just like that, my baby has said his first words. He is blooming before our eyes, a new petal opening every single day.

I have been feeling good lately. My period came while up in Maine, so now I’m in the best mental space I’ll be in all month. I’ve gotten better at controlling my well-being after ovulating, a problem that got so intense before, I turned to anti-depressants last fall.

I keep track of my cycle on my calendar, so now I’m never surprised when I start feeling a little low emotionally. I don’t know why I never kept track of it in high school or college. During the two-ish weeks of the month when my energy dips, I have been getting better at taking care of myself:

  • more yoga/meditation at home
  • taking time alone, even if it’s just sitting up in our room while Chris watches T.V. downstairs
  • journaling my gratitude lists
  • trying to breathe better and slower and mindfully, especially when I’m falling asleep
  • being in one task at a time: no rushing
  • and never sleeping with my phone on my nightstand

I’m not writing that list to say, ooo look at me Mom, doing it all perfect. Because I’m not doing it perfect and truth be told, the first day we were Maine, I was a compete ass crab. And I took some “medication” for two of the days because I couldn’t shake that anxious rushing feeling I get for no reason. (I write medication in quotes because I don’t feel like these particular pills are medicine; they just cover up my symptoms).

But for the first time, possibly like ever, I knew I was moody, let myself feel moody, and then tried to separate myself from the emotions. Instead of going down the rabbit hole and thinking of everything that felt sucky, I pumped myself with as much positive perspective as I could, thinking you’re in Maine, you have a nice room, the weather is nice, Everett is sleeping, etc. 

Making those mental positive affirmation lists (or writing them in my journal) is my surest way to feel better. I just have to care enough to want to change my attitude and for some reason, a lot of times, I don’t. It’s almost as if I’m comfortable being moody (especially before my period) because I’m so used to the feeling. Not consciously changing my thought patterns is the “easy way out.”

 

The Universe loves gratitude, 

so for this month make a commitment to give thanks each day. 

Every day look for things to be grateful for. 

Make “thank you” your catchphrase. 

As you walk from one place to another, say “thank you” with every step. 

Begin each day with the words “thank you,” and make your last thought at night one of giving thanks for the day.

Be grateful under all circumstances, no matter what is happening around you. 

Just 30 days of saturating yourself with gratitude will change your life beyond your comprehension. 

When you radiate and live gratitude you press the ON switch to the Universe and it will deliver all good to you, matching the intensity of your gratitude.

That quote has been on my fridge for months now, and even while believing in it and having felt the positive effects that appreciating has, it is still challenging to remember to be grateful. But I am getting better at it; it’s practice, just like it’s a “yoga practice” or “meditation practice.”

I hope to teach my kids about gratitude. I want to teach them how to breathe, how to be in one moment at a time when they get frustrated or overwhelmed. Because at some point in childhood, we all lose that ability. We start to worry who is better at coloring or running or kissing, start to compare and judge ourselves through the eyes of others.

When will Everett lose the ability to play with sand or kiss his “mum mum” and be only in that moment as it is? When will he judge himself? When does that voice start to turn on in our heads? You know, the one that never shuts up and always finds a problem in everything.

I’m aware I won’t be able to raise present little buddhas; that’s not my goal. But why aren’t we taught about meditation and the power of our minds and the connection we have to the infinite Universe? I feel like it’s my job to teach my children those things.

Science knows that everything is energy but we ignore the fact that our hearts beat and our blood flows and the wind blows and that our most precious resource somehow falls from the sky above.

It’s all energy.

Do I sound weird? I know I do. And I’m sure my kids will be little weirdos, too. At least we’ve got Chris to keep us grounded. He holds the strings to my 99 red floating balloons, letting me travel up to the clouds but always keeping me attached and in reality.

When we’d walk through the City Forest trails in Bangor (the town we stayed in), he looked at the map each and every time one appeared at a fork on the path. I’d say something like, let’s just wander and see where we end up, we’ll be fine…and he’d smirk, knowing there was no chance in hell he would be comfortable doing that. This is the man who turns on his GPS as soon as we get in the car. Chris always has to know exactly where he is going and is always cleverly thinking ahead.

He is perhaps the most clever person, ever; one of the reasons I fell in love with him.

But anyways, at one point, I think he let me think we were wandering and we ended up meeting a man on a mountain bike named Corky and his Aussie dog, Abby. Corky was a professor at Penn State University for thirty years, so we found some common ground and started talking. We exchanged e-mails, and later he sent us all of Acadia’s best spots, along with a dinner invitation.

That night, we ended up at his late 1800’s little Maine farmhouse for what felt like a family meal with a grandfather we hadn’t seen for awhile. It was wonderful. We ate fresh shrimp and rice and salad. Everett fell in love with green grapes (a color he’s never had before) and I drank a glass of wine, for the first time since being on this restrictive “inner gut reset” diet.

When Corky asked, would you like anything to drink? I thought, fuck it, and responded, “Sure, a glass of red if you have it, please.” (Sorry for that word. I use it in real life and am tired of always hiding it from you).

Sometimes wandering brings on the best adventures, something I never would’ve believed in before I started understanding how everything is energy and all of energy is connected. And if I’m always connected to you, no matter where I am, you are always with me…something that makes me safe and never able to be truly lost.

But for some reason, I always try to find reason to doubt that truth.

Doubt is my biggest “problem.” I doubt whether you’re still real sometimes, I doubt if I can write a book, I doubt if Chris and I will really ever have our property.

Two days before we left for Maine, I took that alone time up in my room, away from Chris who was watching T.V. downstairs, and sat on my bed. I stared at my wall, not knowing why I was feeling so blah. And then I just started crying. And kept crying, starting to whisper to myself out loud.

Is all this sign stuff bullshit? Am I pretending to know where Mom is? Is she really just gone, simply with no explanation? Is this energy stuff just a hoax to make people like me feel better? Does the law of attraction work or is it just hippy stuff? Where is Mom?

And the feeling of you being gone, away and forever cut off and separated from me hurt so incredibly bad, that I refused to wonder and cry any longer. I have done that before for too many years, searching and wondering and questioning and trying to find the map that would tell me where you went.

The difference is now, when I feel sad, I can choose to stay connected and open to you. It is always my choice. So I let my emotion out, got off the bed and moved on. Crying felt like this beautiful release instead of a terrible storm.

All this energy “stuff” has finally given me something to believe in. It always made sense to me, but I never tried hard enough to understand it or practice it. But I had to when Everett was born because being a mother completely without you was just too painful.

If I doubt the blue jays or songs on the radio–the signs that make me feel powerful, they won’t come. I know if I doubt the property, we will never get it. I know if I doubt my ability to become an author, I’ll never live up to that potential.

The law of attraction is all about like energy attracting like, as if we were magnets with the ability to anchor in what we wanted.

So in itself, if I believe in the law’s power to create, it works. If I think it’s bogus, then I’ll never receive any evidence that it’s real.

Doubt is just resistance to getting what I want, like trying to run full speed one way, but then backtracking to make sure you took the right turn.

It reminds me of one of my favorite books I read to Everett, called The Carrot Seed. 

It goes like this:

A little boy planted a carrot seed.

His mother said, “I’m afraid it won’t come up.”

His father said, “I’m afraid it won’t come up.”

His big brother said, “It won’t come up.”

Every day the little boy pulled up the weeds around the seed and sprinkled the ground with water.

But nothing came up.

And nothing came up.

Everyone kept saying it wouldn’t come up.

But he still pulled up the weeds around it every day and sprinkled the ground with water.

And then, one day…

A carrot came up, just as the little boy had known it would.

If I planted a virtual seed and said, I know this journal can be a successful book, but then days later was told my writing was terrible and lost my enthusiasm and belief and stopped watering and weeding and tending to my desire, it would not grow. I’d have to not listen to people who doubt, and not listen to the voice inside my head that doubts: the one I’m learning is not me. 

So on my fridge, a place I look at often, I put a goal date to start writing a cover letter and proposal, all the beginning works of getting my work out there and into the reality of a book. I have no idea what I’m doing, no clue as to how to do any of this. All I’ve ever been told is “getting published is impossible,” and I used to let that stop me.

But I know if I believe like that little boy did, I can do it.

All in its own perfect timing, my carrot will come up, simply if I believe it will and never stop.

That’s where I keep getting stuck–I keep stopping. But I’m learning how to keep going; this journal is evidence of my continual forward journey of believing in the Universe and myself and you.

 

OCTOBER 1, 2017 (almost) EIGHTEEN months old

I went to the mall a few days ago with Everett. He just chilled in his stroller, snacking on food while I shopped at Forever 21, my for whatever reason, favorite store. I bought a new scarf, a few sweaters and a bag. (I’ve gotten better at buying things for me and now it’s super simple to do, with no guilt attached). 

I never take him to the grocery store or Target or any trip, really, without food to keep him occupied. His favorite on-the-go lunch is a spinach, cheese and pesto quesadilla. I make a big batch in bulk and freeze them in baggies, ready to grab for an adventurous day that involves leaving home.

On our way to leave the doors of the mall, I let him out of the stroller to run around and he must’ve thought he instantly became king. He trotted along a few feet away from me, looking over his shoulder to keep a watchful eye on his “mum mum.”

Refusing to stop his fun, we stayed, and I took him on the clear glass elevator to get to the first floor. He had a face of astonishment as he watched the world around him go down down down, looking at me and pointing and saying ooooooo! 

The elevator opens right up and onto the food court, and the smell of Chinese chicken wafted my nose when we walked out, immediately making me think of you and all our times sitting there and eating after our shopping trips.

I looked right at “our” spot, where the turquoise-topped chairs remained the same, simultaneously searching for the sampling kung pao chicken lady. Remember the one who would always be holding that black serving platter with toothpicks sticking out of the bite size pieces of meat?

The trays we’d eat off of were red and I can still see the white rice and orange glazed fried chicken clumps. I can still taste the extra packs of soy sauce we’d douse our meals with, remembering how you’d tear the corner of the plastic packet off with your teeth and still manage to look pretty while doing it.

Not wanting to feel those memories anymore, I quickly walked away from the area and into another store, thinking nap time can wait today…what’s the rush to get home? And I ended up finding a super cool jacket Grandma is going to get me for Christmas.

The last time I was at that food court, I was being interviewed for a clothing company called Buckle. It was the “cool” store during my senior year of high school, the place I bought all my Lucky Brand clothes in attempts of being a cool hippy.

My possible future manager, Holly, asked me all these questions and I was confident the whole time that I would get the retail job; I felt I looked the part. I just wanted to speak out and say, are we done yet? I’ve got to get home. My mother is dying and I have no time to waste. Am I hired or not?

You were sick at home, and it was only a matter of time at that point, like we were all just waiting for it to happen.

I never think about those last few weeks. I never really think of you being sick. It all happened so fast, between your diagnosis and death, it’s like this small time frame in my mind that can easily be swept into the abyss of my brain.

Because I felt so mentally stuttered when getting off that elevator and smelling that frickin’ fried chicken, I know something inside me needs released. So I went and found the journal I was keeping around the time of that interview–around the time you died, and really kind of re-lived your last weeks of life as I read through it.

July 18, 2008

I talked with Nana a lot today, mostly about Mom and how absolutely crazy she’s been acting lately. She has gone psycho. She tells Allison and I all the time that we don’t care about her and she knows we want her dead. And the other day, I ran downstairs after hearing her yell at Dad, and when I looked at her, I couldn’t even get my words out to yell. I was so upset with her. I thought after the diagnosis in January and how good she’s done, it was a lesson for us all to love and treat each other differently. It’s like she forgot that we almost lost her. I feel disgusted with my own mother; why is she acting like this? 

August 1, 2008

Well, cheer camp is all over with, thank god. But this year was actually the best out of all six. 

I drove home with Stephanie and her parents, and while in the car, Nana called me to say the cancer had spread to Mom’s spinal cord. That’s why she’s been acting mean and confused and upset. 

I hung up the phone, looked out the backseat driver window and water welled in my eyes. Steph’s mom reassured me that this would just be another treatment and that Mom would do great, just as she has been doing. I wanted to believe Janice. I wanted to believe Mom’s best friend. 

When I got home, Grandma was waiting for me. After I showered and ate some lunch, she took me to the hospital to see Mom and Dad. I will never forget getting out of the elevator, turning the corner, and walking into the communal waiting room where Dad and Allison were waiting. Mom’s room was twenty or so feet behind them and her door was open. All I could see were her legs, tucked tightly under the light pink hospital blanket.

Just by looking at Daddy’s face, I knew something awful was happening. For a split second, before he said anything, I thought she had already died. I was so confused, I couldn’t think straight or crooked or in any way shape or form.

I was so scared and felt like I couldn’t breathe. Dad talked me through it, and then sat Allison and I down, explaining to us that the cancer spread to Mom’s brain. He told us the treatment options, something involving a box on her head and more needles and radiation and tests. And he said he had the option not to treat her any further.

Somewhere in all that, I heard she’d only have months to live, regardless of treatment or no treatment. 

Even writing about all of this, days later in my journal, I still can’t comprehend it. 

The next hours at the hospital were long and I just wanted to get out of there. Mom was so much more lost and confused than from before I left for cheer camp. I remember calling Dad (because Mom was being so mean and I didn’t want to speak with her) while I was up there to tell him I made captain. He was telling Mom, “Did you hear that Jenifer? Hayley is senior caption!” And she barely made a response. I thought it was her still being ignorant, but really, cancer was all throughout her brain.

Dad’s voice was too cheery, like it wasn’t his usual tone. Now looking back, I know he was trying his best to be nice and hide the fact that mom was dying. He wanted to keep me innocent of what was happening back at home, keep me in the world of cheerleaders and positivity, even if it was only for a day longer.

Dad took Allison and I home from the hospital towards after dinner-time, and I’ll never forget the drive home on the Pittsburgh parkway. We were in the BMW, the car Mom always said she wanted when she’d turn forty years old. Dad bought it for her thirty-ninth birthday back in April, probably knowing waiting another year was of no point. 

The roof top was down, and the summer day air was fading away as it hit my face and blew my hair wildly in all directions. It was warm to breathe in but cool feeling on my skin because of the wind.

I sat up front. Allison was in the back. I should’ve been with her. But I think we all just wanted to be as alone as we could in the space of a convertible.

The sun was going down and the city looked so beautiful. It felt so wrong to be driving home without her, like we were leaving her behind for good. None of us talked, but you could feel how hurt the three of us felt. How confused, mad, sad, angry and awful we felt. We knew the truth now. We knew what was coming. 

Back at home, we stood in the kitchen near the sink and Dad held me and we both cried. Then Allison came downstairs and we continued doing the same thing. It felt like we were uniting, on the same front, knowing what we’d be facing in the days, weeks, months and years to come.

I called Mrs. Treml and told her everything. She said I could spend the night, and I told her I’d think about it. I called Tyler, too, then Janice. She came over with Stephanie. We all talked for a long time, and eventually I left, with Dad’s permission. He told me to go wherever I would feel best, and I wanted to be with my other family, so off the the Treml’s I went.

Dad went back to the hospital and Allison went to her best friend Lauren’s house. We were all where we needed to be. 

The next morning, Tyler made me pancakes with cinnamon in the batter, and in between flips, I made him hold me for a long time, burying my face in that stupid hippy drug rug he wears. I cried. And told him I loved him and then left. I don’t even think we are “together” right now, but I know I have the support of him and his family and that’s all I care about. I didn’t eat the breakfast. 

I showered when I got back home, and Grandma and aunt Sara took Allison and I back to the hospital. Mom was even worse than the day before. There were times when she couldn’t walk or talk. I can’t describe what it’s like seeing your mother like that. She kept trying to unlock her closed bathroom door with a hair brush and said something about firewood. She’d get mad at Grandma when Grandma tried helping her. She looked at Grandma like, who are you lady, and why are you getting in my way?

Currently as I’m writing this, Mom is home. Everyone has been visiting and Aunt Jessica and Uncle Todd came up from Virginia, bringing Cole and Tatum back from their visit down there. It feels good to have them back and they seem to be handling everything okay so far. I don’t know what Dad has told them.

I’m just in disbelief that my life has changed so fast. Prior to cheer camp, I thought the cancer was gone. I thought she was better, just meaner. Now she has limited months/weeks/days to live. 

August 3, 2008

I heard noise down below from my attic bedroom and went to see what the commotion was about. Dad was giving Mom a bath at 11:30 at night. She has her days and nights mixed up. When he put her back in bed, she kept trying to get up, like a stubborn little child. Dad hasn’t slept for days and I feel so helpless. He looks like he could fall asleep standing up. I told him to rest and that I’d stay with Mom for a little. She fought me the entire time, relentlessly trying to sit up and out of bed. 

It’s scary to think of what will happen in the near future. I could never have imagined any of this happening; not even the cancer, but just how it’s all ending–her not being able to talk to us, Dad having to feed and wash her. She can’t really even walk anymore and I’m not sure she knows who everyone is.

Her and I sat together at the kitchen island today while I ate an apricot cookie. She’d always buy them from Giant Eagle and she stared at me while I ate it, telling me “I was silly,” in broken up syllables. I gave her one, and we each ate them together with glasses of milk.

Dad took her to Dairy Queen in her convertible and when they pulled into the garage, she had thrown up ice cream everywhere. I helped give her a bath afterwards. It’s like she’s crumbling apart, and we have to watch it because we love her and there’s nothing else we can do. 

When I think of other people’s Dads, I know they’d never take care of their wives the way he’s feeding and bathing and carrying and continually loving Mom. And he’s somehow managing to pull us kids through all of it, too. I could only hope that I have that kind of marriage someday, and now I finally understand how much my Mom and Dad loved each other. 

On a happier note, I interviewed for Buckle today and got the job. I have tried to just keep doing normal things, seeing my friends etc. 

August 14, 2008

Mom is doing really bad, not talking or eating or moving. Family has been visiting again, and it feels sickening to know they’re all here to say their last goodbyes as she sits in the same upright position in bed. Cole and Tatum are in Harrisburg with Aunt Katie and Uncle Ryan; Dad didn’t want them here for what we think is the final few days.

 

And that’s it. That night, on the 14th, you left our world.

The morning after you died, pictures were being taken up at the high school for the senior cheerleaders and football players. I got ready, straightened my hair, did my makeup and put my blue and gold uniform on. As I went to leave the house, the door halfway open in my hand, Dad simply said, “Hayley.” And just looked at me, his face expressing something I can still see now in my mind. He was silently telling me, you go show them. You’ve got this. You are okay. Life will continue on and you show up there strong because you’re Mom’s daughter. 

I’m crying now just remembering it. It was in that small moment of three seconds that I was reassured I could face anything and I could do anything and you were now with me always.

I walked out of that house feeling solid as stones, both in my mind and body.

I parked at the school, grabbing my best friend Jessie and Kayla K, asking if they would just wait there for a second with me before walking towards the whole football and cheerleading team. Everyone knew.

I took a pause in the parking lot, took a breath and continued “onward and upward,” as Dad always says.

And it’s funny. When I look at the group picture that was taken that morning, Chris, in his numbered 2 football uniform, is positioned (almost) right behind me.

When I sat down to write to you this morning, I had no intention of bringing all that heavy “stuff” up. I really only wanted to tell you about the mall with Everett.

But now that I’m thinking of it, the other night right before I had fallen asleep, I had the impulse to turn on my nightstand light and make a post-it that said: write about the last weeks of mom’s life…tell the story of what happened. But I never made a note; I was too lazy and too tired and then completely forgot about the idea until the food court and thinking of that interview.

It seems like this entry to you was just supposed to happen and it unfolded with ease.

But let’s talk Everett now, because my oh my is my child cute and fun and vibrant and as always, loving his life.

He gets easier every month, but also more confident as his own person, making tantrums more common in our house. For his morning diaper change (the one when there’s a big load of poop) he always fights me, squiggling his legs and lifting his butt up way high and twisting his hips from side to side. And I’m like, dude! I’m doing you a solid here…cooperate, please.

Yesterday, without fail, he did his restraining attempts again, this time getting crap on my hands and the carpet. My natural frustrated reaction happened so fast: I spanked his right bare bum cheek with the power of my fingers, just enough to make him cry. He looked at me like, what the hell, Mom? But he held still for the rest of the diaper change.

I told Allison because it was my first time ever “hitting” him, and her response was, ahhh poooooor Everett…don’t you feel bad? 

And I straight up said, “No. It worked and he got the message.”

I’m pretty sure I survived the wooden spoon a few times and still grew up with more love and security than I could handle. Everett will be fine. If a mother wants to nurse her three year old when they get a toddler boo boo, or if another mother occasionally spanks her child, I respect it all and don’t judge.

Everett will look at me and say “mum mum,” in the sweetest voice with literal love in his eyes. It’s like they sparkle, I swear to god. And when we go for walks now, I let him out of the stroller for some of the time and he loves running free around the vacant school that’s by our house. The other day he took off too fast and fell, busting his upper lip open. He looked like a parrot or that Marge Simpson character, the one with the tall blue hair and big top lip.

I got him a leash so he can’t run too fast ahead of me and into a pot hole again. So now I can literally walk the dog and Everett in each of my hands.

He can now eat snacks out of a bowl without trying to play with it, so I set cut up grapes or cheerios or chunks of maple chicken sausage (his favorite) out on the porch while he plays. Things like that make life so much more simple…who would’ve thought.

And he says hi now, waving his arm and matching the high pitched tone of voice that we all do when greeting someone. If I’m inside, I’ll hear him out on the porch saying, “HIIII!” when our little neighbor girls walk past. He even does it to passing cars.

Last week I saw a homeopathic doctor in the hopes that she’d be able to help me with my lips. I know you’re probably sick of hearing about it, but just bare with me for a second.

She did certain kinds of tests to detect weaknesses within my body, and gave me a set of herbs and supplements to take. I have disfunction in my small intestine and gut so I’m on an anti-fungal diet and intestinal repair mission. And I wasn’t surprised to hear that news, after being on six antibiotics, which virtually destroyed any and all good gut bacteria I had.

Today marks over a week of not only taking my supplements, but no wheat, soy, dairy, vinegar (yea, no wine) and sugar. It sounds completely extreme, but I’m fortunate enough to be able to afford the extra meals I’ve had to make and have the time to be at home and cook. I’ve been in the kitchen a lot. And so far, I feel good. I literally have nothing to lose (besides getting buzzed off my beloved Blue Moon with Aiellos’s pizza), so why not believe in this and give it a try? I feel less tired too, and I know it’s because I’m eating better.

I use your juicer daily, too, not knowing how that machine is still running and grinding up whole fruits and vegetables into what tastes and feels like liquid gold. I think of you every time I use it. It has to be at least ten or eleven years old.

Every other doctor or dermatologist or specialist has failed me so completely, I have honestly questioned how the whole modern medical field works. It makes me think of the bastards that missed your cancer the first time you came to your doctor, telling them you felt a lump.

By the time they actually found it, it was stage four and everyone knows what that kind of diagnosis means.

I’m not saying purely herbs and juice would’ve cure you, but maybe it could’ve complimented your treatment tremendously.

I have arrived at the point of whatever in terms of this lip peeling. It has been seven months since I’ve honestly kissed Chris while having sex and it sucks. It’s like eating pizza without the crust; it just ain’t good. But we still love each other and are still playful and fulfilled. I even dare to say we’re happier than most other married couples who can still make out with one other.

I feel like this “illness” is a literal physical blockage to where I want to go, a test to see just how serious I am about this law of attraction stuff and making changes in my life. Because if this “ask and it is given” mentality is real, I have the power to heal myself. Right?

Last month I didn’t get pregnant, of which now, I’m thankful for. I need this time to get better: to straighten out whatever imbalances are going on inside my body, in the hopes of fixing what’s going on on the outside. And while I’m sad to be putting another baby on hold for the time being, I know everything is always working out how it should.

If this lip shit didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have started to re-read my favorite books about attraction and healing and happiness and believing. And who knows, maybe this new diet will be something that will lead me to feel so fantastic by the end of the month, I won’t want to change it.

I trust this whole process. I really and truly do, for the first time since it all started back in March. I just know I’m where I should be, and even if my skin doesn’t heal, I’ll still be where I need to be, learning what I need to learn.

And one last thing….we are leaving for Maine in three sleeps!

I don’t know if I ever told you when our plans were set into motion early spring, but it’s really happening. It was a trip that seemed “too hard” for so long because of money and Everett and blah blah blah but I wanted to go, I imagined us there and wah-lah, we’re leaving this Wednesday.

Richard booked us a hotel using his literal millions of Marriott points, so we have a two bedroom, living room, full kitchen suite, where I can cook.

Papap is flying us up on his plane. I feel like such a spoiled brat saying that, but I’m going to rather say I’m proud. How awesome of an experience that’s going to be. Papap the pilot, flying us to Maine.

And Lauren, my sister-in-law, is staying at our house to watch the dog while we’re gone.

We are set. And I cannot wait to see Everett on Acadia beach, his toes in the sand, just as I have imagined since the beginning of this year.

I’ll talk with you when we get back. Send me a sign up there that you’re with us; I’ll be waiting to find it.

 

SEPTEMBER 20, 2017

Every morning, once Everett goes down for his nap, I get anxious, wanting to open my computer and write to you. I’ve come to really look forward to the time spent in this journal.

This past weekend was busy and fun, being entirely spent with family. I still feel like I’m on some kind of high from all our togetherness.

Last Friday, I took Everett on his first zoo trip. Allison and Nana tagged along and the four of us had a good time. Everett just wanted to run around, his interest more concerned in the amount of free roaming space he had, rather than the animals. He did laugh at the sea lions, though, and we got to see an elephant get her bath; it was pretty cool.

But right before we left the house for our adventure, I had set aside ten or so minutes to buy concert tickets for the Sylvan Esso show that Allison and Tatum and I had been planning to attend. It was our birthday present to Tatum.

A few weeks ago, they were $25 a piece online, and not thinking the price would change, or there would be any kind of ticket shortage, I waited to purchase them. Silly me.

Turns out, tickets had doubled in price. I immediately texted both sisters and they each flipped out on me, responding with messages like, why did you wait omg I am so mad I can’t believe this Hayley. And I knew if I didn’t cough up the extra cash to cover the costs, I would be verbally slaughtered by the two of them, teaming up on me, two against one.

When I added the tickets to my shopping cart, they disappeared. I tried over and over, entering my credit card information and address, my fingers literally shaking at the keyboard because I was so nervous and in a rush. You only have a small window of time to check out when wanted tickets are in your cart. And we had to leave for the zoo; Nana was already on her way there and I was still at the computer in only my underwear and hot rollers.

Every ticket was sold out on Ticketmaster.

Too scared to quit, I found some sketchy website that had “4%” of tickets remaining, and after securing tickets only to lose them to somebody else, I tried one more time and somehow snatched and succeeded the three I needed.

My total came to $228. Each ticket was three times its original cost. I wasn’t even going to tell Chris what I paid–I was so embarrassed to have made such an oversight mistake in procrastination.

My plan was to deposit my stashed away cash from yoga paychecks, secretly covering the charge to my debit account. But I texted him, saying the total and my jaw dropped when he responded, “No problem babes. Put it on the American Express.” I just about died. And secretly felt super turned on and proud that my husband would say such a thing.

I’m happy to report the concert was worth both the money and anxiety. Oh did we have fun! I mean fun, involving a hotel room, two uber rides, Jimmy Johns and enough laughs and petty sisterly arguments to remind me how incredibly lucky I am to have those two girls forever in my life.

We are so different but of the same stuff, literally, fitting together like peas of the same pod would, perfectly right.

And as we danced, orbiting in a triplet of twirling circles singing our hearts out, I thought how of much I absolutely love them and us and you and where we’ve been, who we’ve become and the places we’ll be going with your guidance.

It was obvious you were with us. And it’s in a way that I can’t explain on paper without sounding stupid because unless somebody has lost someone, they can’t possibly relate what it feels like to feel you from “beyond.”

When we walked into Jimmy Johns, the song Lean OnIwas playing over the speakers and Allison said, “I love this song! It is literally my favorite.” Then in the uber on the way to the concert, it was playing on our driver Sherri’s radio and Allison looked at me, dumbfounded, like how in the world am I hearing this again? 

In the morning, we went to Brugger’s Bagels before yoga to get breakfast sandwiches and coffee. While waiting in line, the same song played and with her awed mouth wide open, still painted in the night before’s red lipstick, she said, “Okay now. This is weird.” Her eyes expected me to have an answer, giving me the epitome of her “Allison look.”

It was weird. Hearing it three times made me feel like you were aware of us together. It made me stop and remember and feel grateful for my sisters and just be happy, right then and now.

I treat signs like these as reminders that I’m in the flow, I’m in my groove and I’m connected to Source Energy, where everything originated from and where you are now. love when they happen, my evidence that there is a great power always at work, the one you’re a part of.

Sorry if it’s been annoying to hear about all this energy and force and spirit stuff over and over, it’s just that I finally have a reason to keep practicing ways to raise my energy and feel better: you.

The more time I spend consciously present, the closer I feel to you.

At this point, I have totally accepted the fact that I’m always going to be one of those weird people. Dad mocks me, saying ooo the negative energy in here….and my sisters do the same thing, always making fun of the advice I try to give. And yet I’m the first person they call when shit hits the fan and some simple positive perspective is needed.

It takes a brave mind to believe differently and dare to destroy the illusions they’ve always simply been taught and told.

I have slowly become so used to feeling this way about you, knowing you’re everywhere and that there is no real reason to ever miss you (besides when I want to physically hug and kiss you, which is often), that I forget the heartache I felt all those years after you died. Nine years has given me a lot of time to heal and learn and think and come to certain understandings/beliefs.

December 7, 2011

Chris was over at Pius street the other night and we snuggled up in my little room. We hadn’t seen each other for a few consecutive days and all I honestly really remember was telling him, “I can’t believe how much I missed you.” We were having sex, something I sometimes still weirdly feel ashamed for doing and I’m twenty years old. It’s like you can always see me, even between the sheets.

“I missed you too,” was all he said back, and it felt good to know that someone sincerely missed me. The tone of his voice and the movements of his body legitimized his words. Chris is the type to show how he feels rather than say it provingly, and I’m slowly learning that there’s more meaning in actions and behaviors rather than words.

Tears formed in my eyes before we simultaneously finished, seconds after exchanging our “I miss yous” and intermingled breaths of loving sounds.

I now have a person that when I miss, they miss me back. But missing him is easy. It’s missing you that’s difficult. And I’m so fucking sick of it. 

While we laid in bed together afterwards, I stared up at the ceiling and ached, absolutely ached, to see you. I kept the stinging tears in my eyes, hidden in the dark, not wanting to admit I was crying over my mother after such an intimate moment.

I walked into your closet the other day at home, just standing there and staring, wondering how your belongings could be hanging in front of me but you’re nowhere to be found. I don’t understand, Mom. I feel like all my life I’ll somehow be searching for you, waiting to find you again. Do I really have to wait until I die to see you again? 

Three years is enough time for enough moments to miss you. I’m done. I just want to surrender and come home to you.

I think of you constantly. I wonder when I take a hot shower, if you will ever feel that sensation again. When I eat tiramisu, your favorite desert, I wonder if you’ll ever taste it again. I wonder what you think of me, every single day. I wonder what you’d think of Chris and whether you think I’ll marry him. I think of you when I’m alone, when I’m stirring cream in my coffee, and yes, even sometimes while having sex.

All my choices involve you. I always think, what would Mom do? Would Mom be proud of this? Would Mom approve? Can Mom see what I’m doing? But at the same time, no choice will ever really involve you because it simply can’t. You’re gone.

A part of my life ended when yours did, a piece I’ll never get back; of this I am certain. Everything that happens, everything that I do, has no definitive purpose or approval. I don’t have you anymore to tell me what you think of me or my choices or my schooling or my job or my relationship. 

Right now, I want that more than anything. “Just tell me what you think of me,” I silently plead.

It’s like I’m swirling in circles, waiting for the bigger part of me (you) to tell me where to go, like I’ve taken a huge breath in, way too large for me to hold in my lungs any longer. And I’m just floating at the top of this uncomfortable inhale, waiting for you to tell me to let it go. 

I want you to say, let it go sweetheart. Let it go, I am here and you will always be okay.

Some of these old journals to you are so sad to read. I hate remembering that place of not having you. The distance between you and I was a constant pang, a never-ending thought that literally shadowed everything I felt. And now, all I want is for my sisters and brother to realize you’re not gone, and that they never have to feel far away from you.

I absolutely refuse to ever again believe that you were taken away from me and our family. I refuse to feel like I can’t reach you, or that you are separated from me.

Imagining there’s no heaven, no hell below us, and above us only sky, is the most freeing thought when you’ve lost someone. I played that song at the end of my yoga class this morning and keep thinking of that frame of lyrics. (Funny how I tried all of high school and college to be “hippy,” never authentically succeeding, and now here I am trying to live by the words of John Lennon without much effort).

For so long you felt like a big brick in my pocket. I was always conscious of it, always aware of its weight and bulkiness. With time, the grief got easier to hold and molded into what I remembered you to be. I came to covet it, refusing to ever let go of that “missing you” feeling because it seemed to be all I had left of my mother.

But I don’t need to carry the grief or sadness to feel you. It’s not you. It’s not where you are. Sadness feels terrible and I won’t allow myself to wait until the day we “meet” again to put the damn brick down.

I really do think there’s only sky above us, and you and I are both a part of the power that shines its stars; it doesn’t matter that you’re dead and I’m alive.

I love you. I so absolutely love you and the knowing-feeling that you’re here with me, like while uncontrollably laughing in public with my sisters until one of us pees through her jeans.

She turns fourteen today. Make sure to give your birthday wishes, in that special secret language way you always seem to somehow manifest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SEPTEMBER 12, 2017 SEVENTEEN months old

Summer has passed so quickly; usually the hot summer season seems to drag on and on as I anxiously await October’s arrival. 

I took an early morning walk the other day with Everett and Clifford. The air was so cool that the baby was bundled up in his blanket and I wore a sweatshirt and baseball cap, covering my wet but drying hair. I felt so cozy and relaxed. And for some reason as we strolled along, I kept singing:

Wasted away again in Margaritaville,

Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt.

Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame, 

But I know, it’s my own damn fault.

*(I promise that song will be relevant later in this entry).

Everett has been a fire pistol lately. He’s still a good little boy but my oh my is he stubborn, “just like his mother,” as Chris likes to comment.

He waives hi and bye now, and will look at me saying, “ma ma,” in a soft, sweet voice. It’s so adorable. I just want to bottle him up and carry him around this size forever.

In the mornings when I do my little “get ready routine,” he’s been standing at his bedroom gate and whining for my attention. So now I just shut my bathroom door so he can’t see me from down the hall and soon after, he’ll stop his crying protest. Later I’ll find him sitting content on his bum reading The Hungry Caterpillar, having completely forgotten about the tantrum he threw minutes before.

I used to feel guilty closing the bathroom door for fifteen minutes, like who am I to hide from my child? But what mother doesn’t sometimes hide from her children? I remember you doing it all the time, in your bathroom, too. When Tatum was little, she’d hang onto the door handle and scream and you’d keep talking on the phone and doing whatever it was you did in there, ignoring her charades for attention. 

As a witnessing teenager, I’d think, Mom is so mean. Now as an experiencing mother, I think, Mom was so smart.  

And the reality is, Everett is of course fine in his bedroom. I can see him. I’m not shutting him out and saying, “See ya later dude.” He is fine and taken care of and I’m certainly not the mean mother I was always so convinced you were.

I just need moments away. I’m a priority, even as a mom.

For some reason, this has continually been a hard concept to grasp. I love my child so much that it’s easy to put him before me, all the time and without exception. Whether it’s making his lunch before I’ve had mine or not taking a shower because he’ll cry in his room, Everett always comes first.

I wipe every booger. I change every diaper. I provide every snack and meal and sippy cup and bottle. I clean all the crumbs. I guide him down the steps. I take him in and out of the car seat, in and out of the high chair, in and out of the crib, in and out of the stroller. I do it all for him, all day.

And I would never, ever want to change that. I love taking care of him and getting to play and watch him grow during our lazy afternoons together at home. I’d never want someone else always wiping his bum or making his grilled cheese sandwiches. It’s just easy to get swept away into the little world of Everett and forget about mine.

I know a lot of mothers who work office jobs would give anything to be with their children all day. So a part of me feels super spoiled and entitled to complain about such a thing, but learning that I can come first without falling under the “abandoning mother category” has not always been easy.

Sitting alone and breathing has been my go-to “me” activity. Meditating is one of those things that’s so easy, it’s hard to make a habit of, but doing it brings clarity and calm and the chance to filter through my thoughts.

The same day after our chilly morning walk, I sat on my bed by myself while Everett napped and closed my eyes. I got comfortable and slowed down my breath, counting up to five then down from five. Once I found a steady breathing rhythm, my mind wandered and eventually without thinking I said in my head, today I’ll find a sign that mom is here with me.

And I’ve learned through many trials ending in error, that I can’t wait for a sign and believe deep down it won’t come. So this time, I expected one, not caring when or how it would appear.

We were going out to Nana’s that afternoon, but on the drive there, got stuck in terrible traffic. My cell phone was being replaced, so unable to play my music, I had the radio on. The talk show host repeated to stay off the parkway at all costs, but I was already right smack in the middle of standstill chaos, cars crowded together because of an accident ahead. 

I tried my best not to get mad or frustrated. Instead I thought of how glad I was that I decided to pee before leaving the house. Or that Everett and I had our cups of water. Or that it was a nice breezy day outside, one where having the windows wound open was totally appropriate.

When I would think, how long is this going to take…I can’t even call Nana to say I’ll be late without my phone…I’d pull myself back into the moment and simply try to be where I was. Worrying or being mad wouldn’t create wings to fly me out of the traffic, so what was the point of feeling miserable?

Then the song Margaritaville came on the radio and I instantly got chills, knowing it was the sign I had asked for. I don’t know why I had been singing it during our walk that morning because I can’t remember the last time I even heard it. But there it was, playing on my never turned on radio.

The sign reminded me that mom is still here, she can still hear you, you are in the right place right now, even stuck in this traffic. I know it sounds weird, like how could that song be a sign? But I know it was because of the way it made me feel. It was like this instant sparking moment of connection.

The whole situation got me thinking about this great law of attraction example, written by the stellar author, Jen Sincero:

“You need to raise the frequency to match the vibration of the one you want to tune into. It’s like trying to listen to a certain radio station but tuning it to the wrong frequency. If you have a hot and sexy date and want to listen to 105.9FM Slow Jamz, but set the dial to 89.9FM National Public Radio, you’re not only going to be Slow Jamless, but you’re more likely to attract a discussion about immigration laws instead of attracting a relaxed and candlelit body that’s in the mood for love.”

The same is true for my emotions. If I want to feel happy, if I want to do something really big, I can’t be thinking about an impossibility or how sad my life feels because of x y and and then receive good results. I can’t say or think, I’ll never publish a book. I don’t know the process and I’m not a good enough writer, and then expect myself to accomplish my goal.

I have to get myself in the feeling place of being an author and thinking of titles and book covers and a seven city book tour with my best friend (listening to sexy Slow Jamz), not mope about where I’ll find the means to publish this journal or tell myself I can’t do such a thing (National Public Radio).  

In simple words, it’s impossible to be happy or accomplish what you really want if you’re stuck in a sucky vibrational standpoint. Both ends of the receiver must match.

I have been reading about this sort of magic, as I like to call it, since the spring before you died. The first book I read was called A New Earth and it completely changed my perspective about everything.  

Here is my absolute favorite part, still underlined and circled in pink pen: 

“Life is the dancer and you are the dance.”  

I wrote that in your eulogy, and those words truly pivoted how I viewed my world, especially when you were sick. I understood, and still understand them to mean that I can’t control what happens in my life, but I can control how I respond to situations and trust that life lives me. 

“You don’t paddle against the current, you paddle with it. And if you get good at it, you throw away the oars.”

All I have to do is go with the natural flow of life and be satisfied with the now conditions. And when I take that time to sit and breathe in my room alone, I’m allowing myself to be in the now moment, when everything and anything is always fine.

Even if the whole world around me was crumbling to pieces, I could find peace in each inhale and exhale because they are the now moment. The past and future only exist when I think about them in the now, so they’re not even really real. Does that make sense?

Why drag about the past or worry about the future when all that productively does is take away the peace to be found in the present? I know that sentence is super wordy, but think about it for a second.

It’s a lot to understand and I’m still trying to grasp it all. But I’m finally trying to bring the things these books have taught me into real life. Like journaling my appreciation lists. Or sitting for five minutes with my eyes closed while Everett naps. Or allowing myself to be in one moment at a time, not worrying about when I’ll arrive at Nana’s because traffic changed my timely plans.  

Yoga has been my guide in showing me just how powerful the now moment is and I am grateful to have found something so beneficial for my mind and body.

When you were diagnosed, without effort, I read those books and joined my girlfriends for a first yoga class, instantly becoming hooked to my local studio. It was like I was literally placed on the path to understanding what was happening in my flipped around world, all with perfect timing.

Allison and I recently went to a class together and I felt incredible during the entirety of it (that doesn’t always happen by the way). And every time I’d fold forward and tuck my little torso up and under to touch my legs, I would enjoy the sensation, hoping soon for a baby belly to be in the way.  

In final relaxation, I spaced out, catching myself getting lazy in my breath and worrying about the yoga workshop I’m teaching at the end of September. I wondered how many people would come, what kind of essential oils I’d use…all worries that didn’t exist until I brought them into the now, ruining the present chance for peace. 

When I realized I had drifted off, I started my deep breath again and within seconds, was back in that clear, non-physical and now place. I was so relaxed, I wasn’t even aware of my body.  

Without thinking, I started saying in my head, “I am strong. I am beautiful. I love my body. I love my (still peeling) lips. I love my hair.” Saying these positive affirmations lit something up inside of me and I felt like I was in a pool of liquid love. I literally don’t know how else to explain it. I can’t make this stuff up.

I started to cry because it was so beautifully overwhelming. I felt like you were hugging me, like you were all through me and all I was thinking was, oh my god mom is here this is mom she is holding me. And the moment I started thinking, this is stupid this isn’t real you’re imagining all this, it would stop. 

Because the second you stop believing, you pop the bubble and stop attracting the magic in your life. True words right there, from another favorite book I’m currently re-reading.

I think I was able to hit such an incredible state of euphoria in class because of the last entry I wrote to you. Honestly. When I first told you about the way I used to treat my body, I kept it hidden away in my computer files, telling myself the entry would only be for my book. I refused to post the entry online for friends and family to read.

And then I thought, why hide this? I’m not ashamed anymore. I have forgiven myself. What anyone thinks of my past hardships with food is their business, not mine.  

Once I put my admission into the open, it wasn’t my dirty little secret anymore. It wasn’t mine to keep and I finally released every bit of hidden shame that was buried deep down within me.

Acknowledging my past allowed me to let go of the guilt and resentment and embarrassment. When I laid on my back in that yoga class and mentally spurted out those affirmations in my head, they came out easily, without thinking and made me feel capable. It was like I finally freed myself.

Because remember, my past cannot define me now because it is no longer real. I am not that old eating disorder. I am not that once failed relationship. I am not that lost girl without her mother. Those are all my past stories, what only once defined me, and I have the power to change my story over and over again.

Hearing Margaritaville under such “coincidental” circumstances reminded me that no certain music can change the way I want to dance. If life really is the dancer, when a song comes on that doesn’t jive, all I have to do is change the music to match how I want to feel. That way I can truly allow my life to dance as big and beautiful and proudly as she wants, wildly twirling and spinning around to the natural flows we all call life.

The now moment continually gives me the permission and freedom to be the brave person I dream to be…

Mom, I think I am becoming fearless.